Five Minute Friday - Begin

Joining the Five Minute Friday folks with Lisa Jo Baker for 5 minutes of beautiful, unedited, raw writing. Take some time and come join us. We need your story. You need your story. 

He needs your story. 

Today's word is...

Begin.

This is my beginning.

I look around and see the words of all of these amazing women, like Lisa-Jo Baker, who have been writing week after week, year after year.  But for me, it’s really just the beginning.  I only started seriously sitting down to write a couple of months ago.  I don’t even think it’s classified as “serious” writing.  But something is more than nothing, right?  I can honestly and truly say I sit and begin every single day... but don’t get very far.  I have pages and pages of writings from the last few weeks, all started, but most never finished.  I feel my heart aching to get the words out.  I struggle so hard to actually get them out and organized into something worth posting.  #fmfparty helps encourage me to finish what I begin.

I’m so very lucky.  I came upon #fmfparty from the suggestion of an amazingly inspiring woman – Marisa Slusarcyk.  She made one simple suggestion – try Five Minute Friday.  I can’t even being to tell you the emotions my heart and soul have experienced ever since that very first Thursday night. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the mere 5 weeks I’ve been participating in #fmfparty (more reading then writing), I’ve learned that you have to begin in order to get anywhere.  So, every day I will begin, even if I don’t finish.

Thank you Lisa-Jo for encouraging us all to begin something.  

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In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
John 1:1 (NIV)

Today I fell apart…. and Jesus picked me back up

Do you ever feel like things are piling up in life?  Like you’re a waitress at a busy restaurant and you have too many plates on your tray.  Then, all of a sudden, the kitchen adds one more plate for table 7.  Then, the whole thing comes toppling down.  I’ve heard of people experiencing this occasionally in life.  They get entirely too much on their tray of life and eventually, something has to give.  I tend to experience this on a weekly or monthly basis.

On Monday evening, I had a complete meltdown…

In the middle of Honolulu H1 westbound traffic at 5pm…

Going 7mph…

This is fairly typical for my Mondays.  I wake up ready to take on the world.  By mid-morning, I discover how much I need to accomplish and I become overwhelmed.  By mid-afternoon, I’m scrambling to plan out how I am ever going to accomplish everything that needs to be accomplished.  It’s not until I’m sitting in Honolulu traffic that the conditions are just right for me to fall apart.  Sometimes the melt-down comes in the form of anger and frustration, sometimes an overwhelming sense of hopelessness followed by an evening of being curled up in bed having my own little pity party. 

As I was sitting in traffic, these were my thoughts-

Can these cars be moving any slower?  Why can’t anyone in this state drive in the rain? I have a paper due at 7pm and it’s already 510pm – how am I going to get it done?  It’s already a week late and she won’t accept it after tonight.  How am I going to pay those 3 unexpected bills?  I can’t believe Dave had to fill up the Expedition again already – should have never bought that gas guzzler.  When is God going to answer my prayers about how to help my Dad?  Has He already answered and I missed it.

  

And then it happened. 

The tears started streaming uncontrollably.  I called a friend and told her I was overwhelmed.

She said these words to me –

“Breathe, Michelle, breath.  It will be okay; say a little prayer, turn on the music and worship Him.  Use this time that you are stuck in traffic to sing His praises…”

So I turned up my worship music. 

And I said a little prayer.

And I cried.  And cried. And cried.

Then I was home. 

That night, I got down on my knees by my bed and thanked Jesus for everything He had given to me.  I thanked Him for helping me finish my paper and for being patient with me.  I asked that He continue to teach me lessons and to forgive my ungratefulness and anger in the wake of the storms.  

Before I want to bed, these were the thoughts that came to mind-

I am victorious.  In the wake of troubled seas and torrential storms I need only to stand in victory because He will guide me through every turbulence in life.  I don’t need the wisdom to get through.  I don’t even need a map.  I need only to trust that He will see me safely through.  Keep my eyes focused on HIM, not on the circumstances and when I feel my gaze drifting away, fight the urge.  Today I broke down in tears in the car on the way home from work.  I fell apart.  And then He picked me back up and I was okay again.  I learned today that it’s okay to fall apart, because He is always there to pick me back up.  Tonight ,as I get ready to go to sleep, I feel victorious.  Nothing has changed except that I feel peace.

Will I continue to put entirely to much on my tray?  Probably yes

Will I fall apart again?  Absolutely yes

Will Jesus be there to pick me back up?  Yes... And I will feel peaceful again.

My devotional Tuesday morning was based on Isaiah 26:3 and Corinthians 4:18- a devotional I could have used Monday morning.  Well played, God.  Well played.

 “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on You!”

Isaiah 26:3 (NLT)

“So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.”

2 Corinthians 4:18 (NLT)

2014 - I Resolve NOT to have resolutions

Back in January 2012, I posted an entry titled “2012 - I Resolve to Document... and stick to my resolutions”. I found myself laughing after I read that post. Now it’s April 2014, and I have posted a whopping 21 times since that post. That’s not even an average of once per month since then. Resolutions are made to be broken, aren't they?

That January 2012 post was a reminder that some of our best intentions do not pan out quite the way we envisioned. I think we all create goals with a clear picture in mind of what the end result will be. We typically determine our starting point, decide what exactly it is we want to accomplish, and then we work out a plan – in our mind, on paper, in our smartphone apps – for how we are going to achieve our goal. But, how often do we consider God’s plans for us when we create goals?

I've always considered myself an achiever.

Not an underachiever.

Not an overachiever.

Simply, an achiever.

In general, if I set out to accomplish something I was about 50/50 in my accomplishments. The hundreds of times I failed, I would often blame my plan for the failure. And sometimes I would equate my failed plan, to myself being a failure.

If I only had…

I should have…

Maybe if I didn't…

The list goes on and on.

This applies to every failed goal – from the failure of my first marriage, to my failure to leave the house by 5:00 am so as to miss the Honolulu rush hour traffic.

Now I choose to believe that my "failures" don't represent my inability to achieve a goal, but rather simply represent the difference in my plan for me and God’s plan for me. My goals may not have coincided with whatever God had in mind for my life at that time. In instances where subsequent tries resulted in successful accomplishment of a goal, I believe God was teaching me valuable lessons in hard work, dedication, and most importantly patience. 

So my friend, I challenge you with this – when you fail to achieve a goal, after giving it your all, rather than dwell on the failure, consider God’s plan for you. Your “failure” may be His way of diverting you back onto the path He has planned for you.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3: 5-6 (NLT)